Personal theories and discoveries
I have a lot of kinks and I find it fascinating to research them and try to figure out where they came from so this section is for my findings and elaborations on that, I will update as I do more research, including the dates of when my writings were last updated
Heirophilia
Heirophilia is the feeling of arousal from religious or sacred imagery, figures, concepts and items. An example of heirophilia is finding a nun or priest attractive because of their religious status. While heirophilia applies to any religion, I've most often seen it in regards to christian denominations.
(Updated 4/14/25)
I have heirophilia myself but I am personally not religious. I grew up in a christian household, went to church as a very young child, etc. My situation wasn't as strict as I've seen in other people, I didn't go to a religious school or anything like that but my family used christianity as a teacher or a tool of discipline. My family would say that god is always watching, that everyone is born as a sinner and that we have to do god and jesus' bidding to go to heaven.
These are typical christian teachings but the problem is, I was very very young when I was first taught about christianity. I actually was so young that I thought jesus was santa clause because they both allegedly are always watching even when you can't see them, they both have supernatual abilities and christmas is jesus' bithday after all.
All in all, I was taught about religion way too young in my opinion, but I will say, I was also skeptical of jesus and god's word from a young age. As I said before, I made the connection between jesus and santa, I assumed santa wasn't real first though, I mean, I was a young and curious autistic, I asked how he can possibly get every kid presents in one night, how he has flying animals, etc, and how we have no true documentation of this. Then my critical baby brain said "wait, but jesus does that stuff too, and we don't have any physical proof he exists..." and eventually I stopped believing, to my family's dismay.
Time skip to now, I'm an adult who knows santa was made up, who is a firm believer that christianity isnt real and is a scam, and I don't care if I'm a sinner. I believe the pretext I just provided explains why I have heirophilia, I believe religious trauma from being told I was always watched by a being I've never met or seen, having to live by weird arbitruary rules for seemingly no reason and the fact that christianity is built on holiness and purity has led me to heirophilia.
It works different for everyone, the way I've experienced heirophilia is linked in with some other kinks but strictly heirophilia wise, I find SOME nuns and priests attractive (I think the uniforms can be sexy personally), I would involve religious items like a rosary or holy water in sexual activities if it feels right in the moment, and I enjoy being called a sinner, so I have it in that way. A big thing I fantasize about is that nuns, priests and devout christians are stuck up or very innocent, I essentially see them as something I wish to defile. I have fantasized about fucking someone in church or masturbating on the church steps with candles, sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows and a crucifix above me, staring down as I commit blasphemy. I also have fantasies about the dynamic between a possessed/demon/sinner being with a priest or religious figure, scenarios where the sinner defiles the priest and causes them to sin or where the priest forces the sinner to submit to their beliefs and convert them in a way. In these fantasies, my main themes are aggression, shame, sin, impurity, things like that.
I feel I can see the themes between my childhood and my fantasies, being told I was always watched by god, being shunned for my interests, things like that. I believe my environment growing up has resulted in this.
Voyeurism
Voyeurism is the feeling of sexual arousal from being watched or watching people have sex or participate in sexual situations. In many places voyeurism is some form of illegal or considered public indecency.
(Updated 4/14/25)
For a while I thought I wasn't interested in voyeurism but I did recently learn that I was and that it may be lined to childhood trauma. In my writings on heirophilia I described how part of my childhood was spent being told I was always watched by god or jesus but I was also told I was always being watched by my family. They often made me leave my bedroom door open and or unlocked, they sometimes threatened to take my door off the hinges and they would threaten to install cameras in my bedroom. When I would come home from school I would actually check corners of my room for cameras just to make sure they didn't do it.
A big theme in my life has been lack of privacy or boundaries on my family's part. In public as a kid, my mom or grandma insisted they came into the public bathroom stall with me while I used it, I wasn't allowed to independently shower without my mom or grandma's unneded assistance until I was about 11 or 12, they often would peek in my room and or try to go through my things too. As you can see, I didn't have a lot of alone time growing up, including when I needed it most.
When I first started masturbating I did it primarily at night or in the bathroom, I didn't actually realize I was masturbating, I just thought it felt good. When I did know what I was doing, I was sometimes walk in on. I have been in situations where my door was closed but made to be unlocked while I touched myself and a family member would walk in unannounced, I always had a blanket over me to hide what I was doing. When I started dating horny teenage boys, they wanted sex whether it was phone sex or IRL, my mom and grandma have walked in on me doing both of those things because they didn't let me have the oor locked or closed so I just did it anyway (I also was in situations where I felt like I had to have sex with these individuals because truly, I didn't wanna fuck in my room with the possibility of my family walking in but thats besides the point).
Now I'm an adult living in my own apartment with my partner so I don't have much to worry about in regards to privacy but I've found myself sometimes fantasizing about accidentally leaving a window open and having people catch something or even simply touching myself and my partner walks in. These are common in voyeurism fantasies for a lot of people, the "accidental" or unexpected aspect of being caught, but I personally also enjoy the idea of doing things while people just, watch it, like an audience. I have masturbated while thinking about being watched by people or recorded, being in private or in public, I've fantasized about like, planned occurences like this. I think being walked in on and having little to no privacy as a kid has somehow shaped my preferences like this, I can't place how or why but I think the connection is definitely there.
