4/28/24-TW: Brief mention of self harm-
Ow my body hurts, I've been workin out. I really like working out but I'm awful at holding myself to habits and stuff so I have a hard time remembering to do that stuff. Me n the s/o got ourselves a gym membership and we do some workouts at home so we have that kinda thing all figured out hopefully, I wanna have muscles ! When I was younger I was really really sad with myself for not being muscular, I hated feeling weak and small and I still have that insecurity even now. I feel like at my current size I'm scrawny and weak and just kinda ugly overall I guess. I hope to change that I really do, I don't want to feel bad anymore.
Speaking of not feeling bad anymore, I have the final update to the blog post trilogy of my ex. The outcome is great ! We had a genuine deep chat and I think maybe were friends now ???? Maybe ???? I see us as friendly, We talked a lot and expressed wanting to just let the past problems be a problem for the past. It finally feels like our breakup is a weight off my shoulders and not clinging to me to keep me up at night anymore, the situation was complex and emotional for both of us but we have both changed and talked it out like adults would. I'm proud of both of us for having this strength to figure it out. While we did chat I think its safe to say we're both a little nervous about this still, he seems nervous, I'm definitely nervous, but how I see it thats alright, nervous doesn't mean anythings wrong or something, its new and a lil weird for both of us and I get that. Theres no rush of course.
The Taxpayers are playing at the local venue in July and I wanna go to that, in June I'm seeing my boss's band there, thats so crazy. Hes such a talented and nice dude, once he helped me through a breakdown at work. I work at a department store and I was in the clothes department, I had some coworkers who enjoyed psychologically torturing others, especially me. They held me to standards that they weren't applying to others, one of them acted like she was a boss when she wasnt, they never did their work and they made me freak out after being two faced like that for like nine months. I ended up buying razors to cut myself that day. My boss found out and pulled me to the back room with another boss and while I was scared n freaking out, they helped me. That was the day my boss guy moved me to the furniture section of our store, now I actually enjoy my job usually ! My coworkers are pretty nice (I literally only have two of them) and the work is good. Moral of the story, my boss is awesome for moving me to the furniture section and hes a talented guitar man.
I feel like I don't have much else to say I guess so here I am signing off.
4/26/24
Just sent my friend off with her friends up to wherever shes going on vacation, I have no idea where they're going lmao but they seem like cool people and I think she'll have a great time up there. Her ex is messaging her the absolute weirdest shit, saying that he misses her and regrets doing what he did, she isn't falling for that. He kicked her out and tried to bring her back, tried making her feel pathetic to bring her back and calling her a dick when she doesn't come back. She posted a pic of her smiling on snapchat and he told her to take it down because she looked sad, she was LITERALLY SMILING. I told her that he wants her to be sad, he was trying to almost implant this idea into her mind.
The other day we went to her exes place to get her stuff, at least some of it I guess. She cried a lot because it just hurt to be there but what hurt more is how much of a two face the exes mom was. She called the exes mom, she was the only one home, to let her know that we were coming to get her shit and as we pull up to the place, we see the exes mom coming out and driving off with the dog. This hurt because at like 1 AM the other day the mom texted my friend saying she "still loves her" as if she was a mother to her. My friend saw her as a mother in some ways, her and her ex were together for four years and the exes mom was the only real mom she had for that time. When we got there no one was home and the place was in its usual state, a mess. I never went inside so I never knew the state of it but my god, it was a wreck, a biohazard. My friend acted like that was usual meaning it literally is always like this. She was sleeping in a room smaller than a closet with all of her stuff on the floor, none of the rooms had doors, they all had sheets over the doorways. The toilet was messy and didn't work right, the tank didn't have a lid and she had to put a soap bottle in it for it to work right ?? I don't even know. I noticed the exes mom left with pork on the stove in a pan, next to it was a sink with mold in the dishes. There was random stuff all over the floor, it was hard to not step on anything. My friend didn't have a choice but to live here because she had nowhere else to go. I'm glad we got her out and I hope she run off with her friends to get piercings and tattoos and dye her hair and wear crazy clothes and party, she doesn't need to worry about a curfew with her friends, she doesn't have someone constantly regulating what she does, she can be free, as any 22 year old should be.
I wrote about my ex in the last one and I guess I have more to say about that. My ex read my blog post on here for some reason, told me to unblock him and said he'll be nice. I couldn't decide what to do with this, I freaked out and so my s/o messaged him asking whats up. Apparently my ex is confused on why I avoid him because he forgot our breakup due to a memory condition related to abuse. I can confirm he had some shit happen when we were kids, I don't doubt that and I don't doubt that he has some medical problems from such, but because of trust issues and who I knew him as before, I feel like this has to be a trick or something. He misremembered/lied to my s/o about a detail from after our breakup, he said I had him followed on socials after we split. I didn't and I know that because I was made to unfollow him by someone else. A lot of the reason I avoid him is because of someone else anyway, less him and more the actions of someone else. He just gives my body the same reaction as this other person, I would like this to change and I don't know if it can.
Another thing from my ex, he wrote a blog post on his website about me, saying I act like I'm scared of him and such, whatever, my ex isn't intimidating but if he wants to feel that way then thats fine, what I'm fucked up about is that after a sec, he erased part of his blog post about me. Before, it said at the end that he hopes I see him at the local venue and that he hopes he makes me sick or something, I screenshotted it before he changed it to show it to my friend, but now that end bit is no longer there. Why was that erased, why ? If he doesn't remember our breakup, why does he say im so scared of him and that he hopes he makes me sick, I would think he would remember if he has so much resentment toward me. Either way, I don't care to cause any drama or something, I really don't, if thats what this blog post will do then I will delete it and we can go back to being strangers. Ex, since I know you're reading this, I did unblock you on tumblr if you care to message, we do not have to, I don't mind. If you want me to delete any blog posts about you, I can, I just write these to vent.
All this stuff with my ex has been opening up old wounds, not from them personally necessarily but from someone else in that time of my life. I've been making vent art about it which kinda helps and I might see the doctor for something that was caused by all of that stuff, five years ago. I know its not good to put off something like this for five years but I was just scared to do anything about it, I felt like I couldn't. I have an appointment with a therapist soon, maybe I can talk to them about the mental impact of that stuff because it hurts. My mind generally pushed it out for a while but with this situation with my ex, it just makes me feel like I'm in the same spot again, same exact thing. I feel like im falling apart, this shit hurts man.
The nice ending for this blog is that my friend is finally free for her vacation, I'm really happy for her. Fuck abusive shitty guys who give you a curfew and make you feel bad when they dump you ! I also added to my etsy a little, its carpenter bee season which means I can sell my most popular item ! People have always loved my carpenter bee specimens and I have one for sale finally, that makes me happy. I also plan to add more stuff soon like kandis and maybe bone jewelry. I need to stop plugging my etsy on here geez, I'll stop my rambling here, I'm out.
4/23/24
Alright more shits happening lmao, my friends homeless. Her shit boyfriend dumped her while she was in the car, 40 minutes away going to hang somewhere with friends. He was all pissed because she wanted to hang with friends instead of staying at home with his ass. So now she's couch surfing with us until this thursday when she plans to go on vacation with a friend who's been apartment hunting, hoping they can move together n all that. I don't know what that'll be like, I don't know if she'll be able to move with that friend or what, its a lot of we don't know whats going on.
Her boyfriend said "I'll let you spend this next week "enjoying the modern woman experience" and then you can tell me what you want", as if her independence and freedom is something bad and she would just come back to him after. He literally doesn't let her do anything man, no tattoos or piercings or dyed hair or going out or fucking anything. After he said that he then said "I'll let you stay with me until your vacation" and she didn't reply, ten minutes later he said "I take my offer back, you're being a dick" like she would take it at all. He's literally insane, he even said he'd wanna go after an amish woman because my friend "wouldn't be the woman he wanted her to be" and like fuck man, you're not hot enough to be entitled like this. All in all, he sucks and I hope he suffers.
Another thing with me, an ex of mine is acting a little weird I guess. We dated middle school into high school and split like five years ago and ever since I've blocked him where I can and ignore him n all that, as you do with an ex, he recently has expressed that he doesn't like this of me. To be real, I thought he avoided and ignored me too, I figured he wouldn't wanna be around me or talk to me. He sometimes comes to my place of work, when he does I ignore him because 1, I'm at work and 2, I don't care to chat. He said he wants to know why I ignore him but why does he care, he has a clear distaste for me so why is he trying to get my attention..? He said to my s/o like last year that he never wanted to speak to me again, so I don't know if he changed his mind or what but I just don't feel the need to talk I don't think. He once had his boyfriend message me asking about my side of our breakup and him saying "I didn't tell [____]" just made me realize, the boyfriend most certainly did have my ex involved in that. I didn't tell them anything about my side, my ex did this once with our mutual friend before, not long after we split he had our mutual friend ask me about it then they sent a video where the friend says, "you say that but" and my ex comes in and goes, "here's the truth-" and I just didn't process whatever else they said. I get it, we were kids and kids can be petty but that did hurt a bit, I thought that person was a friend y'know.
The other day I found his tumblr and tried to block him but accidentally followed, after that I immediately blocked him, I guess he remembered my username though and went on my tumblr, he found my neocities and such, sent a message on my guestbook asking why I ignore him and what my problem is, as if its weird to ignore your ex. He's also been sending me anon messages on tumblr, I know its him. He's acting like some stranger in the messages and its weird, I can't tell if he wants to talk, wants info about me, wants to be friends, I don't fuckin know. I know its him because he asked if I listen to a band thats playing at a venue near us soon, I didn't plan on going but I think he wanted to see if I was, after that message he said he'd be seeing this band in about a week, thats when the show at the venue near us is. He then said "I'll get out of your anon messages for now, you just seemed cool lol" or something like that, if he means that then okay fine, but I just don't understand man. His boyfriend has also said that I "seem cool" and I don't know what they mean by this, either of them. If you wanna chat without namecalling, malice intentions, blame tossing and all that then maybe we can but I just feel weird about it, I guess.
A lot of shit happened aound that time and theres some parts of our breakup that I don't know if he knows, I don't know if I care to tell him either because if he doesn't believe me that'll be a whole thing. If he would want to talk about the past and if he would believe what I say about my story then maybe I would talk with him because genuinely, things went poorly back then and I wish I could apologize but would he care, doubt it. I truly do not hate him, I really don't, we were kids at the time and high school sucks but if he hasn't matured, I don't think I would wanna chat, his anon messages and the way hes acting about me ignoring him is making me think maybe he hasn't matured since then. I really don't wanna like "smear his reputation" or make him look bad because hes an individual and I don't know him now, I knew him before. He knows about my neocities and might read this, if so, fine by me, don't know why you're here but do what you will with this I guess.
I've been trying to include at least one happy thing in each of these blogs if I can because it helps make life feel a little but better so my positive ending for today is that I had dunkin today, that was good, and I have a few days off so I can relax and dick off until I work again, which I looooove relaxing and dicking off. I might head to my special spot in the forest and get some bones because I've been meaning to do that, I collect bones and need more more moreeeeeee. I also am gonna add more shit to my etsy soon and I am so excited for that because I love sellimg my lil creations man its so fun for me lmao.
Alright I gotta go help my friend get her stuff from her ex while he isn't home, peace.
4/19/24 -TW: murder/attempted murder, abuse-
Fucking hell. I hate the US and its justice system.
A buncha shit happened with my s/o's half sibling and their mom. I'll spare the details and get to the point, my s/o's half brother tried to kill their mom a few days ago. He did other things to her like bruising her hip, huring her back and breaking her finger but that all wasn't enough, he literally attempted to kill her. Kids sixteen years old and has always been let off easily, never facing reprocussions for anything he's ever done, y'know. He recently was dumped by his first girlfriend and that I guess set him off, he's been running away from home and such. One day recently he ran away and my s/o's mom called the cops on him. The cops got him back home, the mom tried to take his playstation as a disciplinary action and thats when he got violent.
He hit her around and pushed her to the floor, not to mention the five year old sister was a witness to the violence. When she could, the mom called the cops and had him sent to a mental facility of sorts for the night. He came back and waited for her husband to leave, making the only people at home himself, his mom and his five year old sister, and he went, slammed his mom against the wall and started choking her.
After that he was kept in juvy for a sec during like the pre-trial stuff, he testified that she was abusing him and that he's unsafe at home, literally lying to them. The mom learned during the pre-trial that he would be charged with a felony and she then asked if she could drop charges. Sometime after the pre-trial he was sent back home because he said he also felt unsafe in the mental facility and at juvy, when he got home he displays that he's learned nothing because he asks his mother, healing from the bruises on her neck from his hands, for money to get a haircut. Then, a few days later came the actual trial.
The trial was today and the results benefit no one. They were going to sentence him to five years in jail(charged as an adult) and then six months of house arrest. The mom got scared and said she can't have him sent to jail. It resulted with his punishment being a family counselor and being put in an assailant rehabilitation program thing. All in all, he learned nothing.
Part of why this hurts me is because they're letting an offender get away with something he will obviously repeat. When I was in school, I was took advantage of and abused by a guy briefly, the school I went to got involved when it happened physically at school. The school asked about pressing charges but legally I couldn't because I was fifteen. My mom had to be the one who decided whether we pressed charges or not, they brought her to a separate room for it so I wasn't there. The school people convinced her not to do it because it would "ruin the guys life" since he was a kid in high school. He got away with it. When me and him split, he found another fifteen year old and did the exact same thing to her. This girl told me she wished we pressed charges before he and her started dating.
Essentially, I know my s/o's mom will regret not sending her kid to jail, I understand why she did what she did but this just means that all he learned was if he is to do it again, he needs to commit to killing her. My s/o and I are scared for her and the five year olds life.
Heres something a lot less heavy, I'm working on maybe makin music. I've been writing songs for a while and I know some guitar, I can't sing for shit but I plan to work on that. One song is about a group of people who create a toxic clique, I may have got the inspiration for that one from some of my coworkers lmao, and the others about an egotistic narcissist I once knew. If I can figure out how to produce music and get the right tools maybe I'll actually release them but I don't have high hopes for that.
So yeah, thats my current situation I guess. Sorry to trauma dump and get into personal stuff, but also not sorry because this is my blog and you chose to read this I guess, either way thank you for your time.
4/8/24
Still having a hard time with apartments, one of them actually replied to us but they expected us to pay way way more than what it was worth, slanted floors and a small one room apartment in a creaky building isn't worth the amount they wanted from us so we just turned them down. We also turned them down because 1, they had us pay application fees and then told us it was already occupied, and 2, they came crawling back to us when the other people "backed out" (their words) so we just felt like the quality and price didn't match and we didn't wanna put ourselves in a situation where we'd have a hard time paying for a place that isn't worth it when we're also not exactly ready to move yet.
The other day my car started acting up, the gauges seem to be broken. Its not overheating or showing a check engine light so I think its an electrical issue specifically. I now have to get that fixed, it'll be roundabout 200-250 dollars probably, and then I intend to get the title transfer done because my mom still has it in her name. I pay the insurance and drive it but she has it in her name still so I also need to pay for that, probably also 200-300 dollars. Money is obnoxious, capitalism sucks, I hate finances.
Something enjoyable; on the fifth I went to a show, I havent been to any shows since literally last year, too fucking long. The show was at a local brewery for the bands Huntingtons, The Jasons, The Queers and Koffin Kats, all very very talented. I saw The Queers last year so I've seen them before but they're timeless so I didn't mind of course, they're great. Koffin Kats were probably the band I was most hyped to see because I'm a huge huge fan of them but everyone was great and I listened to all of them before.
I got a shirt from Koffin Kats, a shirt from The Queers and a CD from The Jasons, I bought the CD from their literal drummer !! He signed it too after my friend asked him to for me since I was too shy, then he said that if we keep watch we might be able to find the other guys to have them sign it too, so thats what I did. I got 3/4 of them to sign it, they were all so nice. Maybe I'll bring the CD back so the fourth one will sign it lmao.
After meeting them I was also able to get a pic with Joe Queer him-fucking-self !! I got a photo with the man and he was so nice he was so cool. I also saw the Koffin Kats boys after the show but they were talking to someone else so I was too scared to say anything. I didn't get to officially meet them before leaving :C
The show was great it really brought the life back into me, writing ACAB on the bathroom wall and running around hitting and kicking and dancing in a crowd with like minded folks who I know won't judge me, being able to see talented people I admire playing in person and showing off their talents, meeting people who like me for me who are similar to me who will talk about like interests with me, people who protect others from the drunk guy tryna start fights in the pit, my people. It was so refreshing.
The show was great, I really feel like the show just gave me a new view on life, I need to go to more shows. Actually I will be going to another one on June 2, I do know that. I know I'm going because one of the bands thats playing has a member who I know personally. How, might you ask..? The guys my boss ! my actual boss from my stupid retail job is in a metal band and is playing a show for real, thats so sick I literally HAVE to go see him of course. His music is really good actually, very talented guy.
And that was my blog for today, internet therapy I guess. I'll be back when something interesting happens.
4/4/24
Shits been hard. My s/o and I are trying to move out of my moms place (we've been living here for about two years at this point and we've been trying to move out pretty much since we've moved in) and it's proving to be almost impossible. We've been applying for various apartments, we've paid non-refundable application fees and were still denied, the whole shebang. We have five cats, thats the big kicker for us. We would have a lot more options if we didn't have five cats but our cats are the loves of our lives so we are keeping them with us and moving them where we go. Most places here either allow one cat or no animals at all so we plan to lie about the amount we have, apparently people do that all the time.
Something else thats been hard, I'm driving a vehicle that the title is in my moms name still. She's been telling me lies about different parts of title transfers and car insurance, claiming its more expensive than it actually is, saying I have to be 25 in order to have the insurance in my name, things like that. I think shes trying to prevent me from doing it, she doesn't want us to move out and she doesn't like when I do things that make me independent.
When I got my license she told me "well, you don't need me anymore" in like a somber sorta tone. That bothered me because I think she was trying to get me to say like "nononono I still need you" because she enjoys having me relying on her. My family has always been like that, my grandparents love saying "what are you gonna do when were dead and gone?" anytime we need their help.
The hard part is, they don't let us be independent. My grandparents, my mom, no one in my family wants the others to be independent and I think its because they all kinda rely on each other. My mom has us go to the store when she doesn't want to, she has us or my grandparents pay for things when she can't, which is always because she doesn't have a job. She has a boyfriend who does have a job but she doesn't ask him for help because he's a selfish immature prick who wouldn't spend a dime unless it somehow benefits himself. My brother relies on my grandparents, he lives with them and uses their car, and my grandparents probably enjoy it because it makes them feel like they matter. They like feeling like they matter by making others rely on them.
As a kid I wasnt allowed to shower myself or choose my own clothes until about middle school. My grandma came into the bathroom stall with me and turned around if I had to use the bathroom in public as a kid. I drank out of cups with lids that heavily resemble sippy cups for most of my childhood because they didn't trust me to not spill. I had to take my pills in the kitchen and show them under my tongue to prove I really took my pills because they didn't trust me. Any boundary I tried setting they would break because I was the kid and everyone else was adults so they "didnt have to listen to me". It's always been hard to be independent in this family and now that I'm working on breaking off and being independent, my family is getting a bit antsy trying to do things for me and discourage my independence.
Its a breath of fresh air to have my s/o in my life with me, they help encourage me to grow and be myself, while my family smothers me. My s/o encourages me to try new things and go to new places, my family never wanted that for me, change and new things always scared them. I'm so blessed to have my s/o at my side while I work my way around life as an independent and unique person.
They give me hope.
04/2/24
So this is my first blog entry thing on my personal website, crazy. I think I'll add to this more later like when I need to vent or just wanna jot down whatever I'm going through.
Scrapbook
